You made me cry and you don't even care
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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