I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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