Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How does one acquire holy water?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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