I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
