i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
