I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
