you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
