What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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