a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
