someone get that fucking seahorse.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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