you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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