holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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