Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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