The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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