I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
