Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
