so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
