I think I died a long time ago.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
