yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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