I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
