I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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