playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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