Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My bed is full of blood and feathers
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I didn't notice because vodka
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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