Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
