You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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