I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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