I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize