i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
