I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
