I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
