i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
