So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
