I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
