i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
