do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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