My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
