Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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