I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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