get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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