I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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