it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
