My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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