dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
