great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
