you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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