my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
