2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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