I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Someone signed my nipple.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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