my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
