Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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