Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
