im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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