i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
