i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
