This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
