just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
