so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize