a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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