We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
